This was written on June 8, but I wasn't quite ready to share it yet.
I've known for a month and a half.
I mean, I got a positive pregnancy test. But I had a hard time believing it. I wasn't throwing up, or even feeling like I was going to. I was wearing all my normal clothes, with not too much trouble. I was tired, but that could have lots of explanations. I hadn't had my period in 2 months, but there were other (long-shot) explanations for that, too. We told people I was pregnant- and it almost felt like a lie, because I had so little evidence to back it up. I just wasn't feeling it.
I headed to the midwife appointment knowing the facts- at 10 weeks, it's only borderline possible to hear the heartbeat of the baby with a handheld doppler, and that's if you're slender. I was poked and prodded and asked lots of questions as we went through all the normal check-up stuff, then, at the end of the appointment, she pulled at the wand and the gel, and I held my breath. If she doesn't find the heartbeat, it does nothing to reassure my fears, but it also doesn't mean anything- it could be just too early. I knew this, and promised myself I wouldn't be disappointed.
She swiped the black tool covered in goop over my abdomen, slowly, in circles. Nothing but my own pulse, and lots of squishy sounds. Now I know what my insides sound like! After a while, she added more gel, determined to keep looking. I appreciated her persistence. Finally, she stopped at a spot, she says, "Did you hear it?" I look at her- I don't even know what to listen for!
She adjusted the wand, and there it was, unmistakable. A strong heartbeat, going 160 beats per minute, sounding nothing like what I expected. I grinned from ear to ear, and tears welled up (and they still do, thinking about it). This pregnancy is real. There's two hearts in me. Two people.*
We listened for a while, and the midwife was so sweet. I'm not as afraid to tell people now, because I feel like I'm telling the truth- there is a baby in there. Such a miracle. Without a doubt, the most beautiful sound in the world.
* ("Two people" = Me and the baby. I'm not saying we're having twins. Let's not start rumors.)